Saturday, November 28, 2009

Yuck!!

I had the flu yesterday!! Any pregnant momma should be immune. I felt baby move a lot over the last few days. India has been postponed until after his birth. The unknowing is the hardest part.

Our beautiful family!!

I am expecting our 6th baby. His due date is in April. We are also preparing to move to India for an 18 month stint. On Friday, Nov. 20, 2009, I went in for a routine ultrasound. Having carried and birth 5 beautiful boys, I was taking this pregnancy for granted. I was getting the ultrasound really because it was needed it to prove US citizenship for the baby. Never did I think there would be anything different for this one. The ultrasound showed that our baby was in big trouble. The was excess fluid in his abdomen, and head. His heart was pushed all the way over to the right side of his chest and was miss shaped, but beating and had four chambers. They could not find his kidneys or bladder. I thought ok, we will see what my midwife says. Her assistant called and said it didn't look good, we might think about terminating the pregnancy and we needed to get over to Maternal fetal medicine and they would fit us in. My mom had accompanied me to the ultrasound, so as I had to call around my neighborhood to send someone to my house to see if my husband was there. His phone went straight to voice mail. He finally called. We met up and he went over to MFM with me. After several more ultrasounds, we were told that our beautiful baby boy was in congestive heart failure due to C-CAM. C-CAM is basically a portion of lung tissue that does not behave properly and becomes a cyst or group of cysts. Our little one had a group of cyst in his left lung that had pushed his heart and right lung against the far wall of the right side of his chest. Because of the congestive heart failure, fluid had leaked into his abdomen and backed up in his brain. Ultrasound shows large amounts of brain damaged that are categorized in the cerebral palsy group. They did and do not give our baby much of a chance to live much past birth it he makes it that far. They did offer some hope of correcting the congestive heart failure and dealing with the cysts, but they wanted us to wait the weekend to make the decision. They wanted us to decide whether to let nature take it's course and let him die in the next three weeks or do the procedure and buy a little time for him. I thought long and hard. Could I handle a severely handicapped child? What if I carried him to term and he died at birth? Despite my fears and doubts, I could not let him continue to suffer and die. I under stand that he still may not live but I could ease his suffering.

Saturday, Nov. 21, 2009
We decided to do the procedure on Monday. Being a Latter day saint I fully believe in the laying on of hands to heal the sick and the power of personal revelation. So on Sat. my husband and father gave me a blessing. In in I did not get confirmation we were doing right or wrong, no advise, just comfort and we were told that it is our babies decision how things go from here. That rang so true in my heart. The fundamental principle of fathers plan in free agency. If you had the choice to come down for a short time and be done with your mission, would you choose that? Or would you choose to stay and face the heartache and trials that life can bring.

Sunday, Nov. 22, 2009
The longest day of my life!! I hate waiting. Everything was out of my control for the day.

Monday, Nov. 23, 2009
We went in first thing in the morning for a thoracentisis. It is a lot like an amniocentisis. The stuck a needle into my abdomen, through the uterus, through our babies abdomen, through the diaphragm, and into his lung. They removed 35 cc of fluid from his lung, as they backed the needle out they also took the fluid from his abdomen so he would not struggle to get it out himself. They removed 100 cc of fluid from his abdomen. Right away we could see his heart move into the center of his chest and return to the right shape. It is thicker than normal but not to thick. I felt ok until I got up, then the muscles around the injection site cramped. After a little bed rest it went away. I felt good that I had done something. I had a little bit of hope that things would correct themselves.

Tuesday, Nov. 24, 2009
We returned to MFM for an ultrasound to see if the fluid would return right away. It had not. I was feeling a little too hopeful that things would just be better now. They were able to see his kidneys and bladder and he actually had amniotic fluid to move in.

Wednesday, Nov. 25, 2009
Talked with my midwife about all that had happened and she told me how she understood it. We were pretty much on the same page except she said that MFM stated there was very little hope, no matter what we did for him to survive birth if he made it that far. I grieved all over again. To have no hope, it is agonizing. My sweet husband has been so wonderful through all of it. He amazes me, often. I don't know what the future holds, besides dr. apt every week, but I will give him all the time he chooses to take. The lord will help me through.