Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Fitting poem

Thank you to Leslie Williams who sent this to me. It is so fitting though. God knows the big picture, sometimes I would just like a little peek!! How do we, who are left behind, deal with the loss? My mind knows all the reasons that I should be happy for our little Wesley, but their is my heart that still weeps.

Song of the River by William Randolph Hearst

The snow melts on the mountain
And the water runs down to the spring,
And the spring in a turbulent fountain,
With a song of youth to sing,
Runs down to the riotous river,
And the river flows to the sea,
And the water again
Goes back in rain
To the hills where it used to be.

And I wonder if life’s deep mystery
Isn’t much like the rain and the snow,
Returning through all eternity
To the places it used to know.
For life was born on the lofty heights
And flows in a laughing stream,
To the river below
Whose onward flow
Ends in a peaceful dream.

And so at last,
When our life has passed
And the river has run its course,
It again goes back,
O’er the self-same track,
To the mountain which was its source.
So why prize life
Or why fear death,
Or dread what is to be?
The river ran
Its allotted span
‘Til it reached the silent sea.
Then the water harked back
To the mountaintop
To begin its course once more.

So we shall run
The course begun
Till we reach the silent shore.
Then revisit earth
In a a pure rebirth
From the heart of the virgin snow.

So don’t ask why
We live or die,
Or whether, or when we go,
Or wonder about the mysteries
That only God may know.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Where are my rose colored glasses?

Yesterday we said our final goodbyes to Wesley. The graveside service was perfect. Our bishop welcomed everyone, we played "for good" from the Wicked musical. Jason's dad dedicated the grave. Then our sweet little boys took their balloons and released them with the sweetest little thoughts for Wesley. It was so hard to leave him there. The angels were definitely with us in the preparation for this day. My mother was able to help me make everything amazingly perfect from the burial clothing to the casket or "treasure box" as my little boys called it. Wesley is truly our buried treasure. I was contemplating this morning about his song and how I want so badly to be pregnant again to "do it right", when father told me that there was no "right way" for Wesley's birth. It was what it was. We are given experiences, most we can not control, the defining of that moment comes from how we handle it and what we do with it afterwards. I have all along asked for clear indications on what to do. I was prepared to wait several more months if that is what he needed. I definitely prepared to wait weeks for my health to get worse. So then to go in for a regular apt. and have to Dr. say it is enough, it's time. Was very clear. For the birth, there was no other way it could have gone. I experienced things I hope I never have to again. But I learned so much and endured. I always knew there would be regrets, questions on if I did that or this right, but having another baby will not give me what I wanted for Wesley. It might allow for a felling of completeness but it will not make Wesley's birth any less painful.

Friday, December 25, 2009

clear answer.

Dec. 7, 2009
We wanted to try to have the baby this week, thinking that he might be well enough to have him live long enough to meet him. Several committies as several hospitals said no, I prayed all along for clear answers. Obviously I need to wait for the time to be right for our baby to come. Can't get any clearer than that. At least I know I have a little time left with him.

Dec. 13, 2009
On our way to Las Vegas. It feels so good to be married to a man who is so concerned for me that he does not want to leave me for a minute! So the children and I are getting a free trip to Las Vegas!

Dec. 19, 2009
Vegas was a total bummer, there was nothing to do with my children!! Ugh. Some concerning things are happening with my health. Will have to wait and see. I enjoyed feeling our little one move this week. Had several hard days. I want it to be over, but I don't want him to go. How can you wish for your child to die. This is sooooo hard. But living in limbo, never knowing, is so hard.

Dec. 21, 2009
We have an apt. with the perinatologist today. Just expecting more of the same.

Dec. 22, 2009
Today at 7:18 am our little Wesley James Blackett was born and returned to our father in heaven a few minutes later. My heart aches with not knowing if this was the right decision or not. He was to beautiful and perfect, right down to his tiny finger nails. His stomach was so distended due to the fluid build up. My husband, mother, and dearest friend were there to help me through the long and painful labor, and to welcome him into the world with love. Due to issues with my health that began to appear, our team of Dr.'s decided it was time to have Wesley be born. My wonderful midwife Vicki, caught our Wesley who decided to make his entrance into this world as a footling breech. We have felt all your prayers and thank you. Thank you to everyone who in one way or another helped us through this difficult time. To my sweet Wesley, you are so loved and so missed. love mom

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dark day.

Some Dr.s are so optimistic. It contagious, it makes you feel better. Yesterday our ultrasound showed that fluid had built up in his lung and abdomen. Our Dr. said let's drain it and see, miracles happen. Today we went in for the procedure, this Dr. said he did not think it would help our baby. What he says is factual and true, but gives you no optimism or hope. What he sees is the ventricles of the brain are larger and blood is present, as well as our angel was not in a good position for the procedure. It will actually be easier if he gets sicker. So the last procedure did free things up but it also allowed for more damage to be done. If a miracle is to happen, will it come without our interference? How do you deal with waiting every day to see if your baby has died inside you?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Sad day.

We was faced with yet another decision yesterday when preterm contractions started. When do you draw the line? When are you helping and interfering with life? We needed to decide how far to go with stopping preterm labor if it starts effecting change? I always thought as long as his heart was beating I would stop labor to give him more time. A very wise woman reminded me, it is not my choice. This is my baby's choice. I have seen babies stop labor at 8 cm if something was wrong. My baby may need to go through birth and have the experience, and he will choose. So if herbs do not stop the contractions we will leave it up to him. I was very emotional over this decision, but it feels good.