Where are my rose colored glasses?

Yesterday we said our final goodbyes to Wesley. The graveside service was perfect. Our bishop welcomed everyone, we played "for good" from the Wicked musical. Jason's dad dedicated the grave. Then our sweet little boys took their balloons and released them with the sweetest little thoughts for Wesley. It was so hard to leave him there. The angels were definitely with us in the preparation for this day. My mother was able to help me make everything amazingly perfect from the burial clothing to the casket or "treasure box" as my little boys called it. Wesley is truly our buried treasure. I was contemplating this morning about his song and how I want so badly to be pregnant again to "do it right", when father told me that there was no "right way" for Wesley's birth. It was what it was. We are given experiences, most we can not control, the defining of that moment comes from how we handle it and what we do with it afterwards. I have all along asked for clear indications on what to do. I was prepared to wait several more months if that is what he needed. I definitely prepared to wait weeks for my health to get worse. So then to go in for a regular apt. and have to Dr. say it is enough, it's time. Was very clear. For the birth, there was no other way it could have gone. I experienced things I hope I never have to again. But I learned so much and endured. I always knew there would be regrets, questions on if I did that or this right, but having another baby will not give me what I wanted for Wesley. It might allow for a felling of completeness but it will not make Wesley's birth any less painful.