Fitting poem

Thank you to Leslie Williams who sent this to me. It is so fitting though. God knows the big picture, sometimes I would just like a little peek!! How do we, who are left behind, deal with the loss? My mind knows all the reasons that I should be happy for our little Wesley, but their is my heart that still weeps.

Song of the River by William Randolph Hearst

The snow melts on the mountain
And the water runs down to the spring,
And the spring in a turbulent fountain,
With a song of youth to sing,
Runs down to the riotous river,
And the river flows to the sea,
And the water again
Goes back in rain
To the hills where it used to be.

And I wonder if life’s deep mystery
Isn’t much like the rain and the snow,
Returning through all eternity
To the places it used to know.
For life was born on the lofty heights
And flows in a laughing stream,
To the river below
Whose onward flow
Ends in a peaceful dream.

And so at last,
When our life has passed
And the river has run its course,
It again goes back,
O’er the self-same track,
To the mountain which was its source.
So why prize life
Or why fear death,
Or dread what is to be?
The river ran
Its allotted span
‘Til it reached the silent sea.
Then the water harked back
To the mountaintop
To begin its course once more.

So we shall run
The course begun
Till we reach the silent shore.
Then revisit earth
In a a pure rebirth
From the heart of the virgin snow.

So don’t ask why
We live or die,
Or whether, or when we go,
Or wonder about the mysteries
That only God may know.

Where are my rose colored glasses?

Yesterday we said our final goodbyes to Wesley. The graveside service was perfect. Our bishop welcomed everyone, we played "for good" from the Wicked musical. Jason's dad dedicated the grave. Then our sweet little boys took their balloons and released them with the sweetest little thoughts for Wesley. It was so hard to leave him there. The angels were definitely with us in the preparation for this day. My mother was able to help me make everything amazingly perfect from the burial clothing to the casket or "treasure box" as my little boys called it. Wesley is truly our buried treasure. I was contemplating this morning about his song and how I want so badly to be pregnant again to "do it right", when father told me that there was no "right way" for Wesley's birth. It was what it was. We are given experiences, most we can not control, the defining of that moment comes from how we handle it and what we do with it afterwards. I have all along asked for clear indications on what to do. I was prepared to wait several more months if that is what he needed. I definitely prepared to wait weeks for my health to get worse. So then to go in for a regular apt. and have to Dr. say it is enough, it's time. Was very clear. For the birth, there was no other way it could have gone. I experienced things I hope I never have to again. But I learned so much and endured. I always knew there would be regrets, questions on if I did that or this right, but having another baby will not give me what I wanted for Wesley. It might allow for a felling of completeness but it will not make Wesley's birth any less painful.

clear answer.

Dec. 7, 2009
We wanted to try to have the baby this week, thinking that he might be well enough to have him live long enough to meet him. Several committies as several hospitals said no, I prayed all along for clear answers. Obviously I need to wait for the time to be right for our baby to come. Can't get any clearer than that. At least I know I have a little time left with him.

Dec. 13, 2009
On our way to Las Vegas. It feels so good to be married to a man who is so concerned for me that he does not want to leave me for a minute! So the children and I are getting a free trip to Las Vegas!

Dec. 19, 2009
Vegas was a total bummer, there was nothing to do with my children!! Ugh. Some concerning things are happening with my health. Will have to wait and see. I enjoyed feeling our little one move this week. Had several hard days. I want it to be over, but I don't want him to go. How can you wish for your child to die. This is sooooo hard. But living in limbo, never knowing, is so hard.

Dec. 21, 2009
We have an apt. with the perinatologist today. Just expecting more of the same.

Dec. 22, 2009
Today at 7:18 am our little Wesley James Blackett was born and returned to our father in heaven a few minutes later. My heart aches with not knowing if this was the right decision or not. He was to beautiful and perfect, right down to his tiny finger nails. His stomach was so distended due to the fluid build up. My husband, mother, and dearest friend were there to help me through the long and painful labor, and to welcome him into the world with love. Due to issues with my health that began to appear, our team of Dr.'s decided it was time to have Wesley be born. My wonderful midwife Vicki, caught our Wesley who decided to make his entrance into this world as a footling breech. We have felt all your prayers and thank you. Thank you to everyone who in one way or another helped us through this difficult time. To my sweet Wesley, you are so loved and so missed. love mom

Dark day.

Some Dr.s are so optimistic. It contagious, it makes you feel better. Yesterday our ultrasound showed that fluid had built up in his lung and abdomen. Our Dr. said let's drain it and see, miracles happen. Today we went in for the procedure, this Dr. said he did not think it would help our baby. What he says is factual and true, but gives you no optimism or hope. What he sees is the ventricles of the brain are larger and blood is present, as well as our angel was not in a good position for the procedure. It will actually be easier if he gets sicker. So the last procedure did free things up but it also allowed for more damage to be done. If a miracle is to happen, will it come without our interference? How do you deal with waiting every day to see if your baby has died inside you?

Sad day.

We was faced with yet another decision yesterday when preterm contractions started. When do you draw the line? When are you helping and interfering with life? We needed to decide how far to go with stopping preterm labor if it starts effecting change? I always thought as long as his heart was beating I would stop labor to give him more time. A very wise woman reminded me, it is not my choice. This is my baby's choice. I have seen babies stop labor at 8 cm if something was wrong. My baby may need to go through birth and have the experience, and he will choose. So if herbs do not stop the contractions we will leave it up to him. I was very emotional over this decision, but it feels good.

Yuck!!

I had the flu yesterday!! Any pregnant momma should be immune. I felt baby move a lot over the last few days. India has been postponed until after his birth. The unknowing is the hardest part.

Our beautiful family!!

I am expecting our 6th baby. His due date is in April. We are also preparing to move to India for an 18 month stint. On Friday, Nov. 20, 2009, I went in for a routine ultrasound. Having carried and birth 5 beautiful boys, I was taking this pregnancy for granted. I was getting the ultrasound really because it was needed it to prove US citizenship for the baby. Never did I think there would be anything different for this one. The ultrasound showed that our baby was in big trouble. The was excess fluid in his abdomen, and head. His heart was pushed all the way over to the right side of his chest and was miss shaped, but beating and had four chambers. They could not find his kidneys or bladder. I thought ok, we will see what my midwife says. Her assistant called and said it didn't look good, we might think about terminating the pregnancy and we needed to get over to Maternal fetal medicine and they would fit us in. My mom had accompanied me to the ultrasound, so as I had to call around my neighborhood to send someone to my house to see if my husband was there. His phone went straight to voice mail. He finally called. We met up and he went over to MFM with me. After several more ultrasounds, we were told that our beautiful baby boy was in congestive heart failure due to C-CAM. C-CAM is basically a portion of lung tissue that does not behave properly and becomes a cyst or group of cysts. Our little one had a group of cyst in his left lung that had pushed his heart and right lung against the far wall of the right side of his chest. Because of the congestive heart failure, fluid had leaked into his abdomen and backed up in his brain. Ultrasound shows large amounts of brain damaged that are categorized in the cerebral palsy group. They did and do not give our baby much of a chance to live much past birth it he makes it that far. They did offer some hope of correcting the congestive heart failure and dealing with the cysts, but they wanted us to wait the weekend to make the decision. They wanted us to decide whether to let nature take it's course and let him die in the next three weeks or do the procedure and buy a little time for him. I thought long and hard. Could I handle a severely handicapped child? What if I carried him to term and he died at birth? Despite my fears and doubts, I could not let him continue to suffer and die. I under stand that he still may not live but I could ease his suffering.

Saturday, Nov. 21, 2009
We decided to do the procedure on Monday. Being a Latter day saint I fully believe in the laying on of hands to heal the sick and the power of personal revelation. So on Sat. my husband and father gave me a blessing. In in I did not get confirmation we were doing right or wrong, no advise, just comfort and we were told that it is our babies decision how things go from here. That rang so true in my heart. The fundamental principle of fathers plan in free agency. If you had the choice to come down for a short time and be done with your mission, would you choose that? Or would you choose to stay and face the heartache and trials that life can bring.

Sunday, Nov. 22, 2009
The longest day of my life!! I hate waiting. Everything was out of my control for the day.

Monday, Nov. 23, 2009
We went in first thing in the morning for a thoracentisis. It is a lot like an amniocentisis. The stuck a needle into my abdomen, through the uterus, through our babies abdomen, through the diaphragm, and into his lung. They removed 35 cc of fluid from his lung, as they backed the needle out they also took the fluid from his abdomen so he would not struggle to get it out himself. They removed 100 cc of fluid from his abdomen. Right away we could see his heart move into the center of his chest and return to the right shape. It is thicker than normal but not to thick. I felt ok until I got up, then the muscles around the injection site cramped. After a little bed rest it went away. I felt good that I had done something. I had a little bit of hope that things would correct themselves.

Tuesday, Nov. 24, 2009
We returned to MFM for an ultrasound to see if the fluid would return right away. It had not. I was feeling a little too hopeful that things would just be better now. They were able to see his kidneys and bladder and he actually had amniotic fluid to move in.

Wednesday, Nov. 25, 2009
Talked with my midwife about all that had happened and she told me how she understood it. We were pretty much on the same page except she said that MFM stated there was very little hope, no matter what we did for him to survive birth if he made it that far. I grieved all over again. To have no hope, it is agonizing. My sweet husband has been so wonderful through all of it. He amazes me, often. I don't know what the future holds, besides dr. apt every week, but I will give him all the time he chooses to take. The lord will help me through.