Letter to Wesley

My dearest Wesley,

I feel so lost. Why isn't everyone else mourning? You should still be here. My stomach should be round and heavy with your little body still growing inside me. No one notices. You were here, inside me. You greeted me every morning, you were the last thing I felt as I drifted of to sleep. I know it was your choice, but I am the one left without you. The sweet smell of you body. Laying with you in bed while we napped. Washing, folding, wrapping you. Meeting each one of your brothers. Letting them get to know your personality. Your dad, watching him cuddle you and question incessantly on whether or not he could hang you upside down or throw you in the air. These are all the things I miss. I gave your cradle back to grandma today. I woke up this morning feeling oddly normal. Then the guilt for feeling normal. Why did you choose us? I do feel privileged to have been chosen to be your mother, I know some how I will heal. How did you come to choose me? Kelly pointed out that I gave you a gift that no one else could of given you, your life, for the little time you chose it. I do agree, but I now question everything decision I made. Should I have done more? Should I have waited longer for the induction? My little Wesley, did I do right by you? Is there anything you blame me for? I did learn so many things from you. I will work harder not to be distracted by little things that do not matter. I will work harder not to let little things become big. I will be more patient. I will not put off trying to be a better mother. Because of you I want very badly to be a better mother. I still want the whole world to know you were here and still should be. I feel alone, even though I'm not. I have a hard time praying to father because I just end up crying. I don't know what I want or need at this point. While contemplating my mood this evening, I had a thought that I needed to make your dad my priority. Oh Wesley, he does so much more for me than I have ever done for him. Yet here I am writing to you and crying on the bathroom floor. You are so special to me. You are my child and I miss you. All we would have been together, what you would have brought to our family. I can't wait to hold you. How do I fix what is broken? Love mom.