Still no Internet or Phone...

Just a quick update to make sure everyone knows that we've gotten moved into our home okay. It's great to be in a home again instead of a hotel. Unfortunately we still don't have Internet access, so if you've been trying to reach us feel free to email Jason at jblackett@novell.com as he is now working and has Internet in the office. Hopefully we'll be back online by midweek and we'll start updating things regularly. If you need to leave us a message you can still call the Vonage home line and we'll pick up the messages while Jason is at the office.

Hello India!

We survived the trip! The first leg of our trip started with tearful goodbyes with grandma and grandpa Moss. They were the lifesaver for this trip. They also had to drive us to the airport, we could not get all 30 bags in our suburban. After taking care of our checked baggage, we were off to security. Luckily it all went very well. The plane ride to Paris was ok. Xander had a very hard time and Jason and I took turns holding him while he slept. Nathan ran a fever and slept most of the time. We will not talk about the inappropriate movies. Paris was all it promised to be. The Eiffel Tower was amazing, but sooooooooo cold!!!! We also had cotton candy and Jason was accosted by a Bosnian panhandler!! We had McDonald's and yes it is the same the world round, they screwed the order!! I was so thankful to get to sleep after that. Unfortunately the two that slept on the plane were up at 1:30 am Paris time. I had enough sleep by then to stay up with them. The bath tubs were very narrow but deep, oooohhhhhh how I enjoyed that bath. Then it was off to the airport again. We got there and the airport was closed!! I could not believe it. Guess what the children had for breakfast. Yep, McDonald's. It was fabulous though, there pancakes were a cross between crapes and pancakes. Yummmmy, the boys had seconds. Going through security once the airport opened was a lot more hectic. We then spent about 2 1/2 hours waiting to board. It was quite the ordeal from there. We went through the gate, down the stairs, onto a bus that drove us miles around the airport. Then once we got there they kept us on the bus for almost 25 min. I did meet Stacey and her wonderful children. Stacey is an expat who also happens Pres. of the Expat wives club! Talk about divine intervention. We learned quite a lot about things to do, a I did get more excited to be going. Boarding the plane was fun. We had to go up another flight of stairs. Luckily we had a lot of great people who were more than willing to help. Thank you to all of our anonymous friends who helped us so much. This plane ride went a little better. Xander fell asleep just after take off. I needed to wake him about 6 hours into the trip so that he would be able to sleep when we got to India. It was a hard 4 hours. Everyone on the plane who was awake, enjoyed our little walks. Nathan ran another fever and slept most of the time. It didn't seem to phase him when we got here, he was the last one up!! The older boys did very well. Zackary made new friends as always and was very thrilled to have his own video monitor. Thank heaven! We arrived safely without any incidence. The porters could spot us a mile away once we got through customs. Who wouldn't with more children in one group than were in the entire airport!! They could not believe how many bags we had. Watching them pack the hotel car, which was equivalent to a Honda CRV, with 30 bags was quite the experience. It was comical yet a great lesson in space efficiency. The Hotel is gorgeous, the weather is perfect, and I feel better. We will post pictures tomorrow, I have to charge the camera. oooops.

Letter to Wesley

My dearest Wesley,

I feel so lost. Why isn't everyone else mourning? You should still be here. My stomach should be round and heavy with your little body still growing inside me. No one notices. You were here, inside me. You greeted me every morning, you were the last thing I felt as I drifted of to sleep. I know it was your choice, but I am the one left without you. The sweet smell of you body. Laying with you in bed while we napped. Washing, folding, wrapping you. Meeting each one of your brothers. Letting them get to know your personality. Your dad, watching him cuddle you and question incessantly on whether or not he could hang you upside down or throw you in the air. These are all the things I miss. I gave your cradle back to grandma today. I woke up this morning feeling oddly normal. Then the guilt for feeling normal. Why did you choose us? I do feel privileged to have been chosen to be your mother, I know some how I will heal. How did you come to choose me? Kelly pointed out that I gave you a gift that no one else could of given you, your life, for the little time you chose it. I do agree, but I now question everything decision I made. Should I have done more? Should I have waited longer for the induction? My little Wesley, did I do right by you? Is there anything you blame me for? I did learn so many things from you. I will work harder not to be distracted by little things that do not matter. I will work harder not to let little things become big. I will be more patient. I will not put off trying to be a better mother. Because of you I want very badly to be a better mother. I still want the whole world to know you were here and still should be. I feel alone, even though I'm not. I have a hard time praying to father because I just end up crying. I don't know what I want or need at this point. While contemplating my mood this evening, I had a thought that I needed to make your dad my priority. Oh Wesley, he does so much more for me than I have ever done for him. Yet here I am writing to you and crying on the bathroom floor. You are so special to me. You are my child and I miss you. All we would have been together, what you would have brought to our family. I can't wait to hold you. How do I fix what is broken? Love mom.

Fitting poem

Thank you to Leslie Williams who sent this to me. It is so fitting though. God knows the big picture, sometimes I would just like a little peek!! How do we, who are left behind, deal with the loss? My mind knows all the reasons that I should be happy for our little Wesley, but their is my heart that still weeps.

Song of the River by William Randolph Hearst

The snow melts on the mountain
And the water runs down to the spring,
And the spring in a turbulent fountain,
With a song of youth to sing,
Runs down to the riotous river,
And the river flows to the sea,
And the water again
Goes back in rain
To the hills where it used to be.

And I wonder if life’s deep mystery
Isn’t much like the rain and the snow,
Returning through all eternity
To the places it used to know.
For life was born on the lofty heights
And flows in a laughing stream,
To the river below
Whose onward flow
Ends in a peaceful dream.

And so at last,
When our life has passed
And the river has run its course,
It again goes back,
O’er the self-same track,
To the mountain which was its source.
So why prize life
Or why fear death,
Or dread what is to be?
The river ran
Its allotted span
‘Til it reached the silent sea.
Then the water harked back
To the mountaintop
To begin its course once more.

So we shall run
The course begun
Till we reach the silent shore.
Then revisit earth
In a a pure rebirth
From the heart of the virgin snow.

So don’t ask why
We live or die,
Or whether, or when we go,
Or wonder about the mysteries
That only God may know.

Where are my rose colored glasses?

Yesterday we said our final goodbyes to Wesley. The graveside service was perfect. Our bishop welcomed everyone, we played "for good" from the Wicked musical. Jason's dad dedicated the grave. Then our sweet little boys took their balloons and released them with the sweetest little thoughts for Wesley. It was so hard to leave him there. The angels were definitely with us in the preparation for this day. My mother was able to help me make everything amazingly perfect from the burial clothing to the casket or "treasure box" as my little boys called it. Wesley is truly our buried treasure. I was contemplating this morning about his song and how I want so badly to be pregnant again to "do it right", when father told me that there was no "right way" for Wesley's birth. It was what it was. We are given experiences, most we can not control, the defining of that moment comes from how we handle it and what we do with it afterwards. I have all along asked for clear indications on what to do. I was prepared to wait several more months if that is what he needed. I definitely prepared to wait weeks for my health to get worse. So then to go in for a regular apt. and have to Dr. say it is enough, it's time. Was very clear. For the birth, there was no other way it could have gone. I experienced things I hope I never have to again. But I learned so much and endured. I always knew there would be regrets, questions on if I did that or this right, but having another baby will not give me what I wanted for Wesley. It might allow for a felling of completeness but it will not make Wesley's birth any less painful.

clear answer.

Dec. 7, 2009
We wanted to try to have the baby this week, thinking that he might be well enough to have him live long enough to meet him. Several committies as several hospitals said no, I prayed all along for clear answers. Obviously I need to wait for the time to be right for our baby to come. Can't get any clearer than that. At least I know I have a little time left with him.

Dec. 13, 2009
On our way to Las Vegas. It feels so good to be married to a man who is so concerned for me that he does not want to leave me for a minute! So the children and I are getting a free trip to Las Vegas!

Dec. 19, 2009
Vegas was a total bummer, there was nothing to do with my children!! Ugh. Some concerning things are happening with my health. Will have to wait and see. I enjoyed feeling our little one move this week. Had several hard days. I want it to be over, but I don't want him to go. How can you wish for your child to die. This is sooooo hard. But living in limbo, never knowing, is so hard.

Dec. 21, 2009
We have an apt. with the perinatologist today. Just expecting more of the same.

Dec. 22, 2009
Today at 7:18 am our little Wesley James Blackett was born and returned to our father in heaven a few minutes later. My heart aches with not knowing if this was the right decision or not. He was to beautiful and perfect, right down to his tiny finger nails. His stomach was so distended due to the fluid build up. My husband, mother, and dearest friend were there to help me through the long and painful labor, and to welcome him into the world with love. Due to issues with my health that began to appear, our team of Dr.'s decided it was time to have Wesley be born. My wonderful midwife Vicki, caught our Wesley who decided to make his entrance into this world as a footling breech. We have felt all your prayers and thank you. Thank you to everyone who in one way or another helped us through this difficult time. To my sweet Wesley, you are so loved and so missed. love mom

Dark day.

Some Dr.s are so optimistic. It contagious, it makes you feel better. Yesterday our ultrasound showed that fluid had built up in his lung and abdomen. Our Dr. said let's drain it and see, miracles happen. Today we went in for the procedure, this Dr. said he did not think it would help our baby. What he says is factual and true, but gives you no optimism or hope. What he sees is the ventricles of the brain are larger and blood is present, as well as our angel was not in a good position for the procedure. It will actually be easier if he gets sicker. So the last procedure did free things up but it also allowed for more damage to be done. If a miracle is to happen, will it come without our interference? How do you deal with waiting every day to see if your baby has died inside you?